No relationship is perfect.
More importantly, no person is perfect. There will be times when you feel insecure, and there are two major factors that can be responsible. For now, remember that feeling insecure doesn’t automatically mean you should break up. Second, remember that your relationship is always a choice. Today I want to talk about why you feel insecure in your relationship.
Here are a few key points to find out where your insecurities are coming from.
Is Your Partner the Cause of Your Insecurity in the Relationship
Do you feel like your partner doesn’t reassure you that you are valued, loved and wanted enough? This could be a sign that your emotional needs aren’t being met. Feeling like this every now and then is normal, but if you feel like this often, then this needs to be addressed.
Constantly feeling insecure can and will damage your relationship. More importantly, it’ll prevent you from feeling at peace and intimate with your partner. Your partner could be making you feel insecure in a lot of ways: constant accusation, asking for reassurance, jealousy, mistrust.
There’s another perspective that you can relate to. You might say that your partner can cause you to feel insecure, but whether we admit it or not, insecurity can come from ourselves. Insecurity might come when we were young when we felt hurt or rejected by people or experienced it in other intimate relationships.
Insecurities come from the feeling of not being enough. Your inner critic is telling you that you don’t measure up. This can come from irrational fears and thoughts that you are not lovable without anyone validating you or without someone.
Where do you find yourself in these two scenarios? It’s extremely important that you don’t run away from giving this a proper thought.
Is it because the relationship itself is not making you secured enough? Or you as a person insecure, and this manifests in your relationship.
Whichever you find yourself in, you don’t have to worry. Feeling this way does not mean you are a bad person. Sometimes, it’s just part of how you were raised or your environment growing up. The important thing now is that you’ll keep on moving.
The important thing is to find solutions and ways to deal with this situation.
To find out why you feel insecure in your relationship, let’s dive a bit more. Here are a few key questions you need to ask yourself:
Do You Have Your Voice in Your Relationship?
Feeling insecure is something that you should communicate with your partner. Not because you want them to change, but because you are encouraging a deeper understanding of both ends. Think about your partner’s communication style. For example, you can start telling them that you need someone to listen to and that they don’t need to solve anything for you. This makes them feel at ease instead of being defensive.
It’s important to tell them that you are expressing yourself because you want to work on your relationship. This shows just how much effort you’re willing to put in your relationship. Their response should tell you how much they’re willing to work for it.
Are Your Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?
In Psychology, there’s a thing that we call Sternberg’s Triangular Theory. In layman’s terms, it says that there are three components of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
These are all essential factors that, when not met, it might cause issues in the relationship. Is your relationship meeting these three vital components?
- Intimacy means being able to feel connected, and close to your partner. You’re able to communicate and spend time with each other.
- Passion equals physical attraction, and sexual activity.
- Commitment is the choice you make every day to stay with that person, and you both show it through effort. For example, you’re showing effort just by reading this article. Clearly you’re willing to try and understand what’s happening and see what you can do about it.
If you feel like your relationship is lacking in any of the three:
Try to address a specific issue and see if you can make it better. The act of trying alone can be all that’s necessary. In turn, there’s a good chance this would remove any insecurity that you feel in your relationship.
If you feel like your relationship is meeting all the components already:
In this case, you need to realize that you might have the same feelings even if you weren’t in that relationship. This is where you work on yourself, and you start by realizing the following:
You Might be Worth More Than You Think
This means identifying the qualities and strengths that you have that contribute to your relationship and other people in general. This is the time for you to take an inventory of what you’re good at. It doesn’t mean that you have to be single to feel this way. Think about your traits, your accomplishments, and how far you’ve come.
Your good qualities can be: generous, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good listener, or caring. When you think about it, these traits are fundamental when you are in a relationship. Do not focus on what you don’t have. Stop putting yourself down. Instead, focus on what you can offer and what you already have.
Build Your Self-Confidence, Be Your Own Person
In a study called, Self-Esteem and the Quality of Romantic Relationships, it says that having high self-esteem is beneficial in romantic relationships. If you have high self-esteem, it affects the overall happiness of your partner too. However, this doesn’t mean that your self-esteem is dependent on someone else.
A healthy person is someone who feels good about themselves. That means even if you are in a relationship, you still know how to be independent. You still get to do activities by yourself. You genuinely like yourself for who you are. Being confident makes you attractive to others.
Feeling insecure about your relationship or yourself doesn’t mean you have to break-up immediately. It just means that there are things that you still need to fix as a person, and that’s okay. The important thing is you keep on pushing to become a better version of yourself, not just for other people but also for yourself.
Above all, remember this: Millions of people feel insecure every day. Some because of their relationships, some because of who they are. You need to realize that this is not the problem, the problem is whether or not you decide to do something about it. It’s not about whether you’re in that situation or not, it’s about what choice you make.
Most people that are in happy relationships, are people who’ve been insecure before, and have decided to do something about it. They’ve worked on it, have succeeded, and you can too.
Theresa is another dear contributor of Life of a Winner. Theresa uses her experience as a guidance counselor and mental health professional to help our readers get a better grasp of how to approach certain situations in daily life.